Stone No1
by archard-winchester
Summary: Coda to 7.08. What was going on in their minds in the end.


**Disclaimer:** I used to own supernatural, the boys, the Impala and everything else on the show. But then, the men in white gave me my meds and I had to take them.

**Summary**: Coda to 7.08. What was going on in their minds in the end.

**A/N**: I have been away from this seen a bit too long. Hopefully, with this, I would finally start back on the stories I left unfinished.

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><p><strong>Stone No.1 <strong>

Say something, Sam. Just say something. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me that you do need me after all. Tell me that you'd fall apart without me and the days you spent without me were the worst of your life. Don't talk like the fact that you don't need me is a good thing.

God, I'm screwed up. Just listen to me. Thinking like it's a bad thing that my brother's doing okay now, that he's not climbing the walls. It's not that I want you to suffer. I mean, I'm glad that you were able to overcome your time in hell so easily. It's just, did you have to be so much better at it than I was? Are you really that much stronger than me?

You are stronger than me, Sam. That's a fact and I know it. No matter how much I don't want to face it, no matter how much I want to think that you are weaker and therefore need me to protect you and take care of you, you are stronger than me. You have handled things way worse than I have and you have done it better than I ever could have. You did it without turning to drink like me and you did it without changing who you are.

I mean, I know that you are not completely okay. You still have nightmares and need me to wake you up before they get really bad. And when you get tired of fighting against your memories, you need me to talk to you, distract you with bad jokes or stories of my conquests till you are back in control again. And I know that in the beginning, you did need me to help you find a way to deal with this that didn't include you following in my footsteps and becoming a drunken loser. But that's not true anymore. You have a handle on these things now. How long before you get a handle on the rest of it as well and I truly become useless to you? How long before the words you said to me under the effect of the love-potion, become reality?

I'm not a good brother, Sam. In fact, I'm a really, really bad one for even thinking these things, let alone wishing them. I know, I'm weak. Pathetic. Selfish. I know I should be happy that you are doing so great and not jealous of you. But, that's the way it is. You are so much better than me, Sam. Not just a better hunter, but a better person. And I don't deserve to have someone like you as my partner.

And what's more, you know it too. You stay here with me because of the "family-loyalty" or "brotherly-bond" or whatever, but you know that if you had a choice, you'd choose to have never known me at all. That's why keep on leaving me behind. Over and over again. And it's not just you. Everyone in my life keeps leaving me. You, Dad, Castiel. If no-one wants to stay around me, there must be something wrong with me, right? I know, I must be the one at fault.

I've known it for a long time. I'm not exactly a joy to be around. But if there is one thing I can do well, its take care of others. Sometimes, someone's real gist is to take care of others, right Sammy? But what good is that gift if a person doesn't need to be taken care of? You need me now, I know that. Not much, but you still need me a little. I also know that as soon as I don't, you'll ditch me again. You know, I wasn't really surprised when you came back from hell and didn't contact me for a year. It didn't have anything to do with you being soulless. You'd have made the same choice had you had your soul. Bobby did. And you will make that choice once more, in the future. It may be next week or it may be ten years from now but the other shoe will drop.

I understand why you are going to make that choice, Sammy. No-one wants to spend a life-time with a useless, alcoholic sap. I understand, but that doesn't mean I want it to happen. So, until that happens, I will continue hoping that you are miserable, just so that I can take care of you. Maybe, someday, you'll get so used to me being around, you won't want to leave me, even if you don't need me. I'm sorry, Sam, I know this is selfish, but this is what I need. I need you to need me.

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><p>Believe in me. Believe that I'm your brother. You make that you stone number one and you build on it.<p>

You said that to me. Did you forget already, Dean? The only reason I'm functioning normally, the only reason I can tell reality from my imagination is because I built on that. It's not pain, Dean. If it was, I'd be cutting myself up on daily basis. It's you. What the hell do you think will happen if that stone gets taken away from my life?

I need you around, Dean. I need you so badly that it's almost funny. I can't survive without you. How do you not know that? Or do you think that I don't realize it myself? Do you really think that I don't notice all that you are doing to keep me sane?

I don't know how you are able to read me so easily. How you know when I'm doing fine and when the memories of hell are threatening to overcome me. But you always do. Maybe I start acting a little distracted, but as soon as I start even thinking about my time in hell, you start talking. Incessantly, about anything from your lame jokes to the waitress you hooked-up with last night, but they get my mind off hell. You really think I don't know how you stay awake, night after night, simply sitting beside me, watching like a hawk for signs of nightmare? You are the only one who can chase them by just being around. And when you can't, you wake me up and we spend the rest of the night talking about nothing. You think I didn't notice how my knives and guns and even my shaving razor keep disappearing and reappearing at weird times, especially when I'm feeling really down? You think I don't notice how there is never any booze around when I'm looking for it or how every bartender in the country has been cutting me off after the same number of drinks, when you leave me behind in a bar? Or don't you realize these things yourself? Do you think I'm doing well because of some magical strength I have and not because you are here for me, 100%?

Remember, back when I was soulless and you asked me if I could deal with hell because I was stronger than you? Yeah, right. Me stronger than you. What a joke.

The only reason it looks like that, is because it's your strength I'm relying on. You are the one keeping me on straight and narrow, Dean, and believe me, I'd fall apart inside a month without you. You know something, Dean. It wasn't an accident you found me in that psychic town. I knew you'd head for that hunt as soon as I saw it in the newspaper. As mad as I was at you, just a week away from you made me realize how much I needed to be around you. But I couldn't just walk back into your life, right? I'm sorry, Dean, but it will always have to be you who asks me to come back. I don't have the right to ask you that. Not anymore. Not for a long time.

You know how I feel, Dean, every time I see you taking care of me? I feel guilty. Not for being such a burden on you. After all, being a burden is my right as a little brother, isn't it? Atleast, that's what you'd say. No, I feel guilty because I see you doing all those things that I should have done when you were in my situation.

You went to hell too, Dean, and you are still suffering because I didn't help you heal when you came back. I wasn't there for you, not like you are here for me right now. I was out with Ruby when you were having nightmares. I was focusing on Lillith and becoming more powerful when I should've been helping you get back on your feet. I made you feel weak and useless. I didn't stop you from turning to drink. And I forced you to relive your memories of hell, before you were ready to face them again.

Did you notice something, Dean? You haven't once asked me about my time in hell. You have made it clear that I know that you are there to listen when the time comes and then you backed off. Unlike you, I kept pestering till you finally cracked and spilled. That was not the way to take care of someone you love, Dean. You understand that and I didn't. And as a result. I have hurt you in so many ways.

I have hurt you Dean. Whether it was almost killing you over Ruby or letting you think that I was dead for over a year, I have hurt you so much. The one thing you are afraid of the most is people leaving you behind and I've hurt you by doing that over and over again. I see it in your, eyes, you know. Always afraid that whenever I'm on a food run, I won't come back. I hate being the one that makes you look that way. And I haven't really made up for that either. I may like to believe that I paid my dues as far as setting Lucifer on the world is concerned, but as far as you go, I just keep on racking up more debt.

Back when you were in a coma, dying, I prayed so hard for you to live. A part of me felt like you dying was my punishment for treating you so badly and I made a promise to myself that if you lived, I'd never hurt you again. Some promise. I've broken it over and over again these last five years. It'd serve me right if you dump me in an asylum somewhere and take off on your own. Maybe with that skinny new hunter. He seems to appreciate you more than I did. I can't make up for everything did to you Dean, I just don't know how. And I don't seem to be able to stop hurting you. It's almost as if that's a part of my nature.

So, I'll do what I can. Help you get over me.

I'm a burden on you Dean. A burden you carry without hesitation and without complaints, but a burden nonetheless. And the strain of carrying that burden is starting to show. That's why I went desert-hiking instead of our annual Vegas trip. That's the one time in a year when you actually relax. When you stop worrying about monsters and demons and let loose and truly relax. How relaxed you'd be if you had to be watching me all the time?

I know it's difficult, Dean. It must feel like I'm setting you up to be hurt once again. But, trust me on this much; this is what's good for you. Everything that Dad and I did growing up, has made you almost pathologically dependent on family. It's almost as if you can't function normally if you don't have someone around to take care of. But it doesn't have to be that way. You are a strong, intelligent guy and you don't deserve to be tethered down by a brother who keeps on hurting you. You deserve a chance to find your own family, your own happiness and that's never gonna happen if I'm around. I'm your curse, Dean and for once, you are the one who needs to leave me behind.

I hope that one day, you'll have enough confidence in yourself to say "You know Sam, you have been the worst brother in the world to me and I'm done with all your crap". I hope that one day, you leave me like I deserve, even though I hope that that day never comes. And I hope that you do that knowing full well that I need you in my life. Because, Dean, you really need to put yourself first and if you are waiting for a time when I won't need you anymore, don't bother. I need you to survive right now and that is never going to change.

End.


End file.
